Consider this short story:
“But I only wanted to—” Seun screamed through tears, as her mother cut her off.
“One more word out of you and I will beat you again. Come on, go to your room and kneel there.”
Her mother, Tinuke, went on to vent to her husband. “She’s so impulsive and disobedient. All I do is try to protect her from the consequences of her thoughtlessness. What am I supposed to do? Continue flogging her every blessed day and forcing her to do the things she should? I’m tired, David. I’ve had enough.” She began to sob.
“Come here, sweetheart,” he hugged her tightly, “everything is going to be okay.”
“But how?” Tinuke wailed.
“Let’s talk to Ufuoma tomorrow,” he said. “He’s becoming quite the specialist with ‘troubled youth,'” he air-quoted and made a funny face that got a weak chuckle out of his wife. It wasn’t much, but he was satisfied.
“Maybe you guys need to loosen up a little,” Ufuoma said the next day at dinner. “I think you give her too many rules and boundaries. There’s too little wiggle room to express herself; no wonder she explodes like this.”
“You want us to spoil her?” Tinuke interjected. “Children need boundaries. I will not apologize for raising her to be disciplined.”
“Disciplined?” Ufuoma gasped. “No, Tinuke, this is way beyond that, and you know it. You are trying to control everything in her life with no regard for what she wants.”
“She’s a child,” her mother said, sounding exasperated. “She wants nothing that is good for her.”
“She is 11 years old,” replied Ufuoma. “She’s old enough for some autonomy. Look, I’m not saying you should let her do whatever she wants all the time. I’m saying listen to her, include her in decisions that involve her, and let her feel like her opinion matters to you. Just look at her schedule,” he continued. “She wakes up to exercise at 5:30 every morning before going to school and on the weekends too; aren’t you overdoing it?”
“No,” David said sternly, “she’s almost overweight.”
“She’s chubby at worst,” replied Ufuoma, “and you are killing her with all these extracurricular activities,” he scolded. “Music, Girl Scouts, robotics, debate club, swimming, and which one is rock climbing? You know she hates heights.”
“How else will she get over that fear?” Tinuke argued.
“My point is, you chose all this without asking her what she would like to do.”
“Ehen,” said her mother, “we know better.”
“Okay then, let me ask you this: how do you expect her to be able to make decisions for herself in the future, or know who she is or what she needs? You won’t even let her pick her friends, choose her hobbies, or what cartoons to watch.”
They stared at him, dismayed.
“What?” He continued. “Don’t look at me like that; I’m her favorite uncle, she tells me everything. You guys are putting her under so much pressure. Sure, she’s a straight-A student and has more skills than I can count, but she’s a mess! Right now, she is whoever you force her to be. She will be lost without you dictating her every step. You won’t let her think for herself or develop a sense of right and wrong. If she doesn’t start to learn how to be her own person now, when will she?
“Continue like this and watch what research says come to life. She will become dependent on others for her sense of self, with overwhelming anxiety and a need to be perfect, and I wouldn’t blame her,” he continued breathlessly as he spoke faster, “when her parents do not tolerate shortcomings. You are teaching her that perfection in all things is the only way to get approval and love. Think of how she will struggle to connect with others because you won’t let her learn how to express herself; you are giving her the impression that her opinions, even on her own life, are not valid. And let’s not even talk of the rebellion to come. In the name of discipline, the only relationship you have with her is one where you order, and she obeys. She fears you.”
“You say she’s a child; let her play and goof around, let her have a childhood. If I have to sacrifice a carefree childhood for a bright future, then so be it,” her mother said.
“Enough, guys,” David said, finally deciding to put a stop to things. “This is not going anywhere.”
“Why did you ask me for advice if you are just going to shoot down everything I say?” her uncle said, ignoring his brother.
“Ufuoma,” David said his name with a sense of finality, “I said it’s enough. Let us eat before the food gets cold.”
They ate in silence.
Characteristics of Authoritarian Parents:
1. They show love by focusing on ensuring their children’s success in life.
2. They prioritize hard work, respect, and obedience.
3. They are discipline-oriented.
4. They rarely express warmth.
5. They rarely listen to their children.
