Would you like to guess where this idea began? Yes. Freud again. It’s no wonder he remains the most prominent name in psychology, his work is everywhere. With his theories on child development (1890s), he popularized the notion that childhood experiences stick like glue, shaping children into the adults they are bound to become, inspiring parents to become more aware and mindful of their children’s needs and emotions.
The next burst of popularity was in 1946 when pediatrician Benjamin Spock wrote one of the best-selling books in history (it shall remain unnamed – the good doctor eventually found himself rethinking a lot of his initial advice). This book, which revolutionized parenting in the 20th century, encouraged parents to prioritize being more lenient and understanding and focus less on strict rules and behavioral compliance typical of more traditional parenting styles. He later came to redefine his ideas, acknowledging the place of structure and discipline in raising children.
Tracing the roots of permissive parenting gives us insight into how this approach emerged as a response to more traditional, authoritarian styles. But what exactly does permissive parenting entail, and how has it come to influence modern parenting practices?
In the control vs. warmth and responsiveness tug of war, the undefeated champion on the permissive parenting field is… drum roll please … warmth and responsiveness.
For parents who favour this style, the goal is to shower their children with all the affection and attention they can muster, and they do muster a great deal of it. The way they do this is by avoiding any kind of conflict and indulging their little angels’ every wish. This parenting style throws boundaries and structures out the window. It relies instead on what I call the ‘Comfort Reflex.’ This is the instinct that kicks in for parents of newborns, making it almost impossible for them to hear their baby cry without immediately trying to soothe and comfort them. It is a natural and powerful urge to ensure a baby’s happiness and peace, leading to an approach that prioritizes immediate comfort. As newborns grow into toddlers, most parents outgrow the comfort reflex to a degree that allows them to think beyond immediate gratification. However, this is not always the case.
Sometimes, parents get stuck in the comfort reflex, this could be deliberate –believing it inspires a superior child-raising method, or unintentional – they might be unable to withstand the emotional discomfort that their child’s unhappiness evokes, making it challenging for them to establish necessary boundaries.
Regardless of how they adopt a permissive approach, parents using this style have several positives to highlight. The high level of warmth and responsiveness between parent and child affords them a strong, positive emotional connection that is nurtured by intentionality and good communication. In addition, trust and freedom of choice awards creativity and independent thinking. Put together, this is a recipe for parent-child friendship, high self-esteem, confidence, innovation, effective communication skills, and a stress-free home environment.
While the sugar and hugs of this style generally make for a happy childhood, it presents individuals with much unpleasantness later in life. Settle in, this is going to be a long list- poor understanding of limits and expectations, lack of self-discipline and self-control, poor academic achievement, high sense of entitlement, conflicts with authority figures and the law, challenges in various social environments, including school, the workplace, and community settings, difficulties navigating interpersonal relationships, finally, suboptimal physical health and personal hygiene.
Warmth and responsiveness are certainly important and encouraged, but they need to be balanced with control to provide stability and avoid potential pitfalls. After all, too much sugar will cause a toothache. So parents, balance in all things. On this note, I bid you adieu.
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