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3Mar, 2015

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together.

It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

-Dave Meurer

ringsMarriage is a sacred institution that signifies the joining of hearts and minds of a man and a woman in a union that is expected to last until death. This institution is most looked forward to by young adults as they desire to share their lives with their “true love”. Let’s pause a bit and look closely at the term “true love”. How true is this love that makes a man do anything to capture the heart of his damsel? Is there such a thing as fake love? What exactly is love in the confines of marriage? How would you define love?

Sometimes, we are confronted with the credibility of our spouse’s profession of love. When two people take vows to cherish and love each other forever, they, at that moment experience a rush of love or feelings that carry them on till a year or so. Research by James Spencer at Brigham Young University (1992) in a longitudinal study measuring marital quality, revealed that universally,  romantic love is experienced in the first year of marriage. After this period, the couple is soon faced with the reality of living with a completely different person from a different background with different interests and preferences. Arguments, conflicts and moments of angry outbursts may be common at this period which may question the veracity of the initial love professed at the time of taking solemn vows.

Does this sound familiar? If you are married I’m sure you can accede to the fact that marriage is not always a bed of roses. There are times of “up” and times of “down”. Times to laugh and cry, fight and make up, criticize and encourage, etc.

Based on a research by Campbell, Weiner-Davis, DeMaria, Harrar et al, Chris Garner proposed 5 stages of marriage which are:

1. The Enchantment phase:

This is otherwise known as the honey moon phase. This phase has been researched to last a year or two depending on when children arrive. It is a passion fueled phase with intense focus on attraction. Couples believe that they will live happily ever after much like the fairy tale stories of Cinderella and snow white. Excitement and euphoria characterize this stage and couples usually share similar interests. They can talk for long hours without getting tired. At this stage, all they want is to be together.

enchantment

2.  The Realization phase:

Feelings of euphoria wear off and couples realize how different they are. It is a time of disenchantment where they realize differences that exist between them. Power tussles, arguments and conflict over minor as well as major issues results. Remember the story of a couple who fought over how to squeeze toothpaste? This kind of scenario often occurs at this stage. Would it be sufficient to state that the love that once existed has gone sour?

realization3. The Acceptance phase:

At this phase, the differences observed are accepted. Each person begins to see the other person and accept him/her without being judgmental; after all it would be difficult to change the other person. Couples at this stage are able to work through the challenges they face.

acceptance

4. The Commitment phase:

Understanding, peace and harmony are characteristic features of this stage. This is a matured stage of a relationship that exists even when problems and conflicts arise. Couples have learnt to understand themselves and work through whatever comes their way through teamwork and cooperation. Each couple knows about the weaknesses of the other but choose to stay or commit themselves to them based on the strengths they have.

5. The Co-creation phase:

Couples who get to this stage look beyond themselves and extend their oneness to others. They are able to work together in unity to bring about impact in the lives of those around them. They are able to contribute their own quota to society by mentoring young ones and giving back in different ways.

With these 5 stages, how would you define love? Is it primarily the passion that comprises the enchantment stage, the intimacy of acceptance phase or the commitment of the commitment stage? The truth is a combination of all 3. This was proposed by Robert Sternberg in his Triarchic theory of love.

So, love basically is a mix of PASSION, INTIMACY and COMMITMENT.

Kindly follow @DrMorayoJimoh for more interesting updates on Love and Relationships.

24Feb, 2015


couple-hugging-each-other-bench

If you were to think about one special person in your life right now, who will that be? My guess is the one you refer to as your; “Honey”, “Sweet heart”, “Darling”, “Love” “Valentine”, “Sweetie” or maybe some other special names you have coined for yourselves probably in your local language or some other foreign language. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that someone holds you special in their heart regardless of your flaws.

Relationships are powerful and therapeutic. Just think about it, having someone to talk to after a hard day’s work, or having someone who cares about you and how every single minute of your day is being spent. What about knowing that there is someone special who can listen to you when others may seem not to pay attention, or even being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings openly with someone who understands and is willing to make you a better person.

Love makes life beautiful and being in a healthy relationship adds color to your life. Relationships are like plants which require good soil, sunlight, water and some other nutrients to flourish. A farmer knows very well that he has to water his seeds consistently before they begin to blossom and produce a bountiful harvest for him.  Often time, people only get excited at the onset of their relationship (first few dates) but soon experience some form of dryness or “boringness” in the relationship and may even opt for a new one with a different person with the hope that the “excitement” they seek may be restored again. Sadly, this cycle goes on and on.

Relationships require work and time- by way of watering the relationship (Like the farmer waters his seeds) thereby flaming the embers of love.

Here are some powerful ways to spice up your relationship

  1. Communicate more: in relationships, communication is key. You should be able to talk about EVERYTHING! Nothing should be too difficult to talk about and this should be cultivated at the beginning of your relationship.

If you want be my lover, you have to first be my friend!

Talk openly about the things you are not comfortable with in the relationship as well as how both of you can make things better. Talk about the things you love about your partner and also what you love about the relationship. Talk about things that are peculiar to both of you as well as what applies generally.

Endeavour to study the verbal and non-verbal communication of one another.

  1. Play together: when last did you play like a child? My guess is as good as yours. There is a time for everything, a time to work and a time to play!play The beautiful thing about play is that you get to laugh about the silly things that happen and you also get to break the walls that lie between you and your partner. Take on the challenge to play  hide and seek or any other childhood game you remember as often as you can.
  2. Add some adventure to your dates: Going out on a date? picnic dateDo something different each time. Spice your outings with surprises and adventures. If you do more of restaurants and places that require a table for two setting, try going on a picnic for a change. You have to plan properly for this- here is a tip: make a list of all that will be needed for the picnic and divide it into two parts- one will contain things that you will come along with while the other will be a list of what your partner is to come along with. You can also see a movie together at a different cinema, go site seeing or do some other activities that will thrill you and your partner.
  3. Forgive easily: In relationships, unforgiveness is a major issue that can result in building very thick walls between partners. Learn to forgive each other easily. You will always reap the benefits.

In relationships, the first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest!

  1. Be creative: If you are willing to add more spice to your relationship, then you have to be creative. Do something unexpected for your partner everyday and let it become a part of you. Soon, you’ll notice how much more spicy your relationship will become!Lovesign21

Remember that every good relationship requires effort to be successful. Practice the outlined ideas and share with us your experience and some you have thought of as well.

Kindly follow @drmorayojimoh for more wonderful updates on Love and Relationships.

 

18Feb, 2015

love language 1Love has many definitions. However, to some people the word does not even exist or may be thought of as just a mirage. To some, love is seen as a warm feeling of affection towards others, while to others it may be considered as the butterflies in one’s stomach at the sight of a loved one.  Love may also be thought of as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. This last definition reveals love as unconditional; that is a person is loved and showed love regardless of who the person is or what he has.

There are many ways of showing the commitment to love. By caring, speaking kind words, being polite, giving, sharing and other displays of love.  Gary Chapman, a counselor has enumerated 5 ways of showing love, which he termed as love languages. These include:

5-love-languages

#LoveLanguage1- Gifts: However inexpensive or expensive, people whose love language is gift giving engage in it and expect others to do the same. They feel most loved when a person surprises them with a gift every now and then. This is quite different from those who are materialistic that is more focused on what they can get in cash or kind from the other  partner. Such individuals appreciate the thoughtfulness of the giver.gifts

#LoveLanguage2- Acts of Service: “How can I help you?” and “Let me do this for you” are questions that are ever on the lips of those who speak love through kind gestures. They desire to express love by assisting others and feel loved if they are as well.  Simple acts as such as trashing the waste bin, cooking a meal, arranging the living room, washing clothes etc. are simple acts that such individuals prefer.acts-of-service

#LoveLanguage3- Touch: This language refers to sexual or physical intimacy. A person whose primary language is physical touch appreciates and feels loved when they are given hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face. They see these as a show of concern, care, and love.  More often, such people are also quick to communicate such gestures.hugs

#LoveLanguage4- Words of affirmation: Words they say are powerful. People whose love language is words of affirmation thrive on the positive words spoken to them by loved ones. Words that approve of them,  express acceptance and validation are expected. Compliments, constructive words, kind words, words of encouragements are ways of expressing words as a love language. Saying “I love you”, “You are the best”, “You made my day”, “You look awesome” etc., a million times achieves the desired effect and even more each time it is said.

words of affirmation

#LoveLanguage5- Quality time: Are you always complaining that your loved ones and friends don’t visit you? Are you eager to spend time with your family? Then, maybe your love language is quality time. For people whose love language is quality time, there is a craving to spend  secluded time with loved ones. At such times, they expect undivided and complete concentration of their friends or loved ones at that time.

quality time

So which love language do you speak?

One. Two. Three. Four. All

You may speak more than one, but if you look closely, there’s always one primary love  language that you express and expect.  You may also find out the love language of your spouse, loved one or friend and START SPEAKING IT!

Discover your love language by clicking HERE

 Kindly follow us @drmorayojimoh for more tips this love season.. Show some love today and speak the right language!

 

14Feb, 2015

 

love3The time of the year when “I Love You” is being said the most all around the world is on Valentine’s day do you agree?

Hurray! It’s Valentine and of course, Love is in the air everywhere. Flowers, chocolates and other special gifts are being delivered to loved ones.

Some call it Lovers day as it is common to see lovers go to special places to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Others may use it as an opportunity to show Love to the less privileged and some may also choose to use it as a day to review their marriage vows. In all, LOVE is the aim.

So, what does Love mean to you? Some believe that love is that ‘special feeling’ you get when you are with someone you care about. For some others, it is going out of your way to please or help others in need. While some believe that Love is sacrifice and another group may believe that Love starts and ends with saying special words to someone.

There are many definitions of Love quite alright and you may have your personalized definition as well but let’s look at it as having more to do with actions. This implies that expressing love will always have to be more than mere words. So, saying I Love You alone is not sufficient. It has to be reflected in our actions to others and this has to do with both males and females expressing Love by actions.

The actions of Love simply involves giving to another. Money and gifts maybe first on our minds when we talk about giving. It’s definitely part of it but not entirely. ro102-love-is-givingThere are other resources that can make the big differences in our love lives. Such as the resource that is given to everyone in equal measure –“Time”. All your loved one may want from you could be quality time to spend together which will be worth more than all the money and gifts you can shower.

Also, there are other ways you can express love by your actions such as doing something unexpected for the other- be creative! And explore all options towards performing actions of love this season and always.

Remember that LOVE is an action word. As you celebrate February 14th this year, do something different this Valentine and everyday afterwards.

Kindly follow @drmorayojimoh for more interesting updates on Love and Relationships throughout the month of February. Don’t forget to be a part of our #LoveDare. We would love for you to share your experiences with us!

HVD 4

Happy Valentine’s Day! From Mobile Health Consult.

 

 

 

 

12Feb, 2015

whats loveI’m sure the title may have got you dancing and reminded you of the song by Tina Turner. Have you ever wondered what love has got to do with Valentine? Has it ever crossed your mind? We mention Valentine and associate the word with love. We celebrate the holiday, give gifts, roses, cards, show love and for most of us, we have no clue as to why? Is valentine a person or place? Let’s see what history says. Many stories have been found to represent why we celebrate valentine. Actually, Valentine is the name of a person and record has it that there were three people named Valentine in the history of the Roman Catholic Church.

Story 1
During a period of invasion in Rome, Emperor Claudius put a ban on marriages. He did this, believing that single men made better soldiers. However, a priest named Valentine who believed in love and marriage, secretly married couples. He was found out by the Emperor who eventually beheaded him on February 14th. It was said that he gave up his life for the love of love and the love of God.

Story 2Valentine
Another Valentine is rumored to have been imprisoned from worshipping God as the Emperor at the time commanded everyone to worship 12 Roman Gods. While in prison, the jailer requested that he bring his blind daughter to learn under his tutelage. Valentine agreed and taught about arithmetic, nature and also God. One day, the jailer’s daughter asked whether God could heal her, and valentine said yes. He prayed for her and she was healed. On the eve of his death, he wrote a note to her and urged her to keep close to God and signed “from your valentine”. The next day which was February 14th, he was executed. Some rumored that he fell in love with his captor’s daughter.”
Story 3
It is also believed that the holiday has its roots in the pagan festival of Lupercalia- a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, Romulus, and Remus, founders of Rome, which held on the 15th of February. In the 5th century, Pope Gelasius declared that February 14th was St. Valentine’s Day and outlawed Lupercalia, calling it un-Christian.

 

love round

Irrespective of which story holds true, Valentine’s Day became associated with the idea of love. It is seen as a day to show love, care and affection. This includes but is not to limited to opposite sex relationships. This day can also be regarded as one to extend a hand of love to the less privileged and show love to family and friends. Someone once said,  “love makes the world go round”. The world can become a better place if we truly love each other. There would be a decline in wars, terrorism and violence.

As Valentine’s day draws near, make up your mind to love and show that you love.

Love yourself,

Love others and

Remember that love has everything to do with it!

love 2

For interesting tips to spice up this love season, follow @drmorayojimoh for updates. If you are following the #LoveDare, kindly make comments or share your experiences with us.

5Feb, 2015

3d-happy-family-1

Which of these do you have more in your family?

Fights, Quarrels, Malice, Anger, Hatred, Jealousy, Mistrust, Unforgiveness and Fear?

OR

Peace, Trust, Love, Humour, Happiness, Joy, Forgiveness, Friendship, Care and Togetherness?

There is no perfect family, every family experiences good and bad times. No matter what holds in your family, the bond you share with the people with whom you have gotten a great percentage of your features and attributes from, will always need to be made stronger.

Looking at the family as a support system, it is expedient that we make it stronger so as to stand the test of time. Parents as well as children have a part to play towards strengthening the family ties.

Gaining tips to achieve this will be of great benefit in this month of Love and always. Here are some amazing tips to help strengthen your family ties.

Tip #1respect

Respect: respect is reciprocal- this old saying is so true even when it comes to family life, having mutual respect for one another in the home is necessary in building a strong family. Children having respect for parents, husband and wife having respect for each other, parents respecting their children and children respecting one another. When there is respect in the home it creates an atmosphere of being thought of as important.

Tip #2

Express Love: actions speak louder than words. A lot of families love each other in their hearts but never express it with actions. Let there be no boundaries when it comes to expressing Love to your family. Saying I love you is important and adding actions to it makes it even better. Deliberately do things for each other and let it become a habit.

Tip #3

Do things together: family playsome call it “family time”, making time to do things together as a family should not be downplayed. Let’s look at it this way, your family is the team you belong to and for you to win or score, you all have to work together. For your family to bond more, you have to do these more often: Laugh together, work together, eat together, play together, pray together, go for walks together, watch TV together etc.

Tip #4

Study each other: you may not have a Degree in Psychology but proximity affords you the opportunity to study your family members, at least the ones close to you. The reason for this is because the more you know about someone, the more you’ll better handle or live with such a person and vice versa.

Tip #5forgive1

Forgive easily: forgiving can be difficult sometimes but what unforgiveness does to you is even worse. So learn to forgive each other easily no matter what has happened, it might take a while but don’t let it take forever.

Tip #6

Treat your family specially: you are familiar with your family but that does not mean you should treat them with contempt as this is often the case. It’s sad to see people treat others better than they treat their own family members. this has to stop! Treat your dad, mom, brother, sisters and significant others specially. This will make your family stronger and knitted together.treat special

Tip #7

Use kind words: some call it “magic word” every family has one or more, it may be “please”, “am sorry” “excuse me” or “can you?” these are polite  statements which express something positive to the receiving party. Use these and more kind words with your family, it will grow tenderness and kindness in your hearts.

family write

Families are complicated yet wonderful and implementing these simple tips will help you strengthen your family ties. The beautiful thing is that it gets less complicated when you are knitted together in love.

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”– Mother Teresa

 

You can join in our daily Love dare throughout the month of February by following @DrMorayoJimoh for more amazing updates.

 

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