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Consider this common situation: Your toddler is in full meltdown mode at the supermarket, face red, fists clenched, wailing at a pitch that could shatter glass. Do you: A) Scold them sternly, B) Offer them candy to quiet down, or C) Take a deep breath and try to understand their frustration? If you chose C, you might be leaning towards a parenting style that’s been gaining more traction lately – gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting is an approach that emphasizes empathy, respect, and understanding in parent-child relationships, and boundaries. It’s not about being permissive or letting children run wild; rather, it’s about guiding children with compassion and fostering their emotional intelligence. It’s about trying to see the world through your child’s eyes, even when those eyes are squeezed shut in a tantrum. It’s respecting your little ones as whole people, not just mini-mes to be molded. It’s seeking to understand the ‘why’ behind behaviours, rather than just reacting to the ‘what’.

In practice, gentle parenting might look like this: Instead of yelling at a child for having a tantrum, a parent might say, “I see you’re feeling frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way, but it’s not okay to throw things. Let’s take some deep breaths together and find a better way to handle this.” This approach doesn’t mean letting children do whatever they want. Boundaries and rules still exist, but they’re explained and enforced in a way that respects the child’s emotions and fosters their understanding.

Proponents of gentle parenting argue that it helps children develop emotional regulation skills, boosts their self-esteem, and creates stronger, more positive relationships between parents and children. They believe that by modeling empathy and respect, children learn to treat others the same way.  It’s like planting seeds of kindness and watching them grow.

However, every rose has its thorns, and gentle parenting is no exception. Children, especially young ones, don’t always respond to reason or gentle explanation. During tantrums or intense emotional outbursts, a child may not be in a state to listen or cooperate. In these moments, firmer action might be necessary to enforce rules and ensure safety. Without clear consequences, some children might interpret gentle parenting as a lack of firm boundaries, potentially leading to behaviour issues. Constantly maintaining patience and empathy can be emotionally exhausting for parents, especially in high-stress situations.

There is also worry that always cushioning a child’s experiences might not adequately prepare them for the harsher realities of the adult world. It can also be difficult to maintain a gentle approach consistently, especially when parents are tired, stressed, or facing their own emotional challenges.

Effective parenting often involves blending gentle techniques with firm guidance to help children thrive and develop into responsible, empathetic adults. The key is to maintain the connection with your child even while enforcing rules. This approach can help children develop emotional intelligence, respect for boundaries, and trust in their parents’ consistency.

While gentle parenting offers valuable insights into creating a nurturing and supportive environment, it’s important to recognize that raising well-grounded children with a genuine sense of humanity and values requires a balanced approach that incorporates both empathy and appropriate authority.  There will be times when parents need to enforce rules firmly, even if the child is upset at the moment. As one parent put it, “They might not love you then, but they would grow to appreciate the lessons learned.”

For more information on our psychological and neuropsychological services, visit our website, mobilehealthconsult.org, reach us at 09076728623, or send us an email at mobilehealthconsult2000@yahoo.co.uk

Would you like to guess where this idea began? Yes. Freud again. It’s no wonder he remains the most prominent name in psychology, his work is everywhere. With his theories on child development (1890s), he popularized the notion that childhood experiences stick like glue, shaping children into the adults they are bound to become, inspiring parents to become more aware and mindful of their children’s needs and emotions. 

The next burst of popularity was in 1946 when pediatrician Benjamin Spock wrote one of the best-selling books in history (it shall remain unnamed – the good doctor eventually found himself rethinking a lot of his initial advice). This book, which revolutionized parenting in the 20th century, encouraged parents to prioritize being more lenient and understanding and focus less on strict rules and behavioral compliance typical of more traditional parenting styles. He later came to redefine his ideas, acknowledging the place of structure and discipline in raising children. 

Tracing the roots of permissive parenting gives us insight into how this approach emerged as a response to more traditional, authoritarian styles. But what exactly does permissive parenting entail, and how has it come to influence modern parenting practices? 

In the control vs. warmth and responsiveness tug of war, the undefeated champion on the permissive parenting field is… drum roll please … warmth and responsiveness.   

For parents who favour this style, the goal is to shower their children with all the affection and attention they can muster, and they do muster a great deal of it. The way they do this is by avoiding any kind of conflict and indulging their little angels’ every wish. This parenting style throws boundaries and structures out the window. It relies instead on what I call the ‘Comfort Reflex.’ This is the instinct that kicks in for parents of newborns, making it almost impossible for them to hear their baby cry without immediately trying to soothe and comfort them. It is a natural and powerful urge to ensure a baby’s happiness and peace, leading to an approach that prioritizes immediate comfort. As newborns grow into toddlers, most parents outgrow the comfort reflex to a degree that allows them to think beyond immediate gratification. However, this is not always the case. 

Sometimes, parents get stuck in the comfort reflex, this could be deliberate –believing it inspires a superior child-raising method, or unintentional – they might be unable to withstand the emotional discomfort that their child’s unhappiness evokes, making it challenging for them to establish necessary boundaries. 

Regardless of how they adopt a permissive approach, parents using this style have several positives to highlight. The high level of warmth and responsiveness between parent and child affords them a strong, positive emotional connection that is nurtured by intentionality and good communication. In addition, trust and freedom of choice awards creativity and independent thinking. Put together, this is a recipe for parent-child friendship, high self-esteem, confidence, innovation, effective communication skills, and a stress-free home environment.

While the sugar and hugs of this style generally make for a happy childhood, it presents individuals with much unpleasantness later in life. Settle in, this is going to be a long list- poor understanding of limits and expectations, lack of self-discipline and self-control, poor academic achievement, high sense of entitlement, conflicts with authority figures and the law, challenges in various social environments, including school, the workplace, and community settings, difficulties navigating interpersonal relationships, finally, suboptimal physical health and personal hygiene.

Warmth and responsiveness are certainly important and encouraged, but they need to be balanced with control to provide stability and avoid potential pitfalls. After all, too much sugar will cause a toothache. So parents, balance in all things. On this note, I bid you adieu.

For more information on our psychological and neuropsychological services, visit our website, mobilehealthconsult.org, call us on 09076728623, or send us an email at mobilehealthconsult2000@yahoo.co.uk

Consider this short story:

“But I only wanted to—” Seun screamed through tears, as her mother cut her off.

“One more word out of you and I will beat you again. Come on, go to your room and kneel there.”

Her mother, Tinuke, went on to vent to her husband. “She’s so impulsive and disobedient. All I do is try to protect her from the consequences of her thoughtlessness. What am I supposed to do? Continue flogging her every blessed day and forcing her to do the things she should? I’m tired, David. I’ve had enough.” She began to sob.

“Come here, sweetheart,” he hugged her tightly, “everything is going to be okay.”

“But how?” Tinuke wailed.

“Let’s talk to Ufuoma tomorrow,” he said. “He’s becoming quite the specialist with ‘troubled youth,'” he air-quoted and made a funny face that got a weak chuckle out of his wife. It wasn’t much, but he was satisfied.

“Maybe you guys need to loosen up a little,” Ufuoma said the next day at dinner. “I think you give her too many rules and boundaries. There’s too little wiggle room to express herself; no wonder she explodes like this.”

“You want us to spoil her?” Tinuke interjected. “Children need boundaries. I will not apologize for raising her to be disciplined.”

“Disciplined?” Ufuoma gasped. “No, Tinuke, this is way beyond that, and you know it. You are trying to control everything in her life with no regard for what she wants.”

“She’s a child,” her mother said, sounding exasperated. “She wants nothing that is good for her.”

“She is 11 years old,” replied Ufuoma. “She’s old enough for some autonomy. Look, I’m not saying you should let her do whatever she wants all the time. I’m saying listen to her, include her in decisions that involve her, and let her feel like her opinion matters to you. Just look at her schedule,” he continued. “She wakes up to exercise at 5:30 every morning before going to school and on the weekends too; aren’t you overdoing it?”

“No,” David said sternly, “she’s almost overweight.”

“She’s chubby at worst,” replied Ufuoma, “and you are killing her with all these extracurricular activities,” he scolded. “Music, Girl Scouts, robotics, debate club, swimming, and which one is rock climbing? You know she hates heights.”

“How else will she get over that fear?” Tinuke argued.

“My point is, you chose all this without asking her what she would like to do.”

“Ehen,” said her mother, “we know better.”

“Okay then, let me ask you this: how do you expect her to be able to make decisions for herself in the future, or know who she is or what she needs? You won’t even let her pick her friends, choose her hobbies, or what cartoons to watch.”

They stared at him, dismayed.

“What?” He continued. “Don’t look at me like that; I’m her favorite uncle, she tells me everything. You guys are putting her under so much pressure. Sure, she’s a straight-A student and has more skills than I can count, but she’s a mess! Right now, she is whoever you force her to be. She will be lost without you dictating her every step. You won’t let her think for herself or develop a sense of right and wrong. If she doesn’t start to learn how to be her own person now, when will she?

“Continue like this and watch what research says come to life. She will become dependent on others for her sense of self, with overwhelming anxiety and a need to be perfect, and I wouldn’t blame her,” he continued breathlessly as he spoke faster, “when her parents do not tolerate shortcomings. You are teaching her that perfection in all things is the only way to get approval and love. Think of how she will struggle to connect with others because you won’t let her learn how to express herself; you are giving her the impression that her opinions, even on her own life, are not valid. And let’s not even talk of the rebellion to come. In the name of discipline, the only relationship you have with her is one where you order, and she obeys. She fears you.”

“You say she’s a child; let her play and goof around, let her have a childhood. If I have to sacrifice a carefree childhood for a bright future, then so be it,” her mother said.

“Enough, guys,” David said, finally deciding to put a stop to things. “This is not going anywhere.”

“Why did you ask me for advice if you are just going to shoot down everything I say?” her uncle said, ignoring his brother.

“Ufuoma,” David said his name with a sense of finality, “I said it’s enough. Let us eat before the food gets cold.”

They ate in silence.

Characteristics of Authoritarian Parents:
1. They show love by focusing on ensuring their children’s success in life.
2. They prioritize hard work, respect, and obedience.
3. They are discipline-oriented.
4. They rarely express warmth.
5. They rarely listen to their children.